Thursday, August 6, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
1. Q: How are Kenny G and a Ginsu knife alike? A: They're both sharp as hell all the time, and that's never gonna change.
2. Define Perfect Pitch: A violin, from 10 paces, straight down the toilet without touching the seat.
3. A musician comes home after a gig and finds his girlfriend tied to the bed, bruised, naked and gagged. In a panic, he removes the gag and asks, "What happened?" His girlfriend replies: "While you were out, your agent came over and...." Interrupting her, he says: "You're kidding? My Agent? He came to see me? What did he say?!"
4. Q: How can you tell when your female lead has arrived at the rehearsal studio? A: She fumbles for the key for over ten minutes, and when you open the door, she still doesn't come in right.
5. Q: How do you turn a loud guitarist down? A: Put some sheet music in front of him.
6. Kenny G gets into an elevator. After a few floors he turn to the businessman next to him and says "Hey man, this place is really rockin'."
7. Q: Why did Bach have so many children? A: His organ didn't have any stops.
8. Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a viola? A: You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
9. Two DJs meet at a gig. They finish a set each. After much mutual praising, they decide to hang out. One DJ suggests there's a great movie in town. The other replies, "Let's call ahead, find out who the projectionist is."
10. Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza? A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
11. Q: What's the difference between a trombone solo and a buzz saw? A: Vibrato.
12. Q: What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? A: The rock guitarist plays 4 chords for 10,000 people...
13. A Classical conductor reluctantly books a jazz saxophonist for a solo spot in a modern concert piece. To his surprise, the saxophonist turns up early for each and every rehearsal with his pencils sharpened, music in order, and plays flawlessly. He even stays back after rehearsals to ask important questions of the conductor in regards to interpretation of the score, always carefully marking his parts. Finally, after the final dress rehearsal, the conductor walks up to the jazz saxophonist and says, "I have to admit I had serious misgivings about using a non-classical musician, but your performance so far has been impeccable; always here early, looking after your music, a real example for the rest of the orchestra. You've certainly changed my mind about jazz musicians." To which the saxophonist replies, "Well Man, it's the least I can do seeing as I can't make the gig."
14. Kenny G goes into a Burger King: "Give me two Whoppers." Employee: "OK. You're good looking and you sound great."
15. Q : What's the definition of a gentleman? A : Someone who can play bagpipes but doesn't.
16. Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A: The bassoon burns longer.
17. Q: What' the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead banjo player in the road? A: The snake was on it's way to a gig.
18. Q: How many female lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, she just holds it while the world revolves around her.
19. A conductor sees a disturbance in the back of the orchestra, so he stops the rehearsal to find out what's going on. The last chair viola points to one of the bass players and says, "He...he just grabbed one of my tuning pegs and detuned the string!" The conductor is pretty irritated, but he says, "Okay, don't do it again, but we'll talk about it later." A little while later, he sees that something's going on again, so he stops the rehearsal again and says, "What the hell's the matter now?" The violist responds, "He, he...he won't tell me which one!!"
21. In my first year of college, an accordion-player friend of mine drove up from home to visit me. He arrived quite late on a dreary Friday night, and after getting settled I asked him where he parked. To my dismay, he informs me he parked on a nearby dimly-lit street notorious for car break-ins. I asked him if he brought is accordion, and he said he did, but he left it on the back seat of his car. Upon hearing this, we rushed down to his car to move it, but it was already too late; Someone had broken in and left two more accordions.
22. Two American guitarists were part of an international music act traveling by train across Europe. Several hours into the trip, one of the Russian members stands up and boasts, "In Russia, we have so much fine vodka I can afford to just throw it away." To illustrate his point, he takes a bottle of the finest Russian vodka and throws it out the window. Never to be outdone, a member of the French contingent holds up a bottle of the finest Champagne and retorts, "Well in France, we have so much of the finest Champagne, we can afford to just throw it away," and proceeds to throw the bottle out the train window. The first American guitarist accepts the challenge and, without saying a word, picks up the second guitarist and throws him out the window.
23. Q: What do a Yngwie Malmsteen guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? A: You know its coming and nothing you can do is gonna' stop it.
24. Q: What's the least-used sentence in the English language? A: "Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
This collection of comedic gems was compiled from too many sources to bother mentioning. If you've got a few of you're own, get busy with the comment button A.S.A.P. and share 'em with your fellow Pizza Don't Go Bad readers.